Life's Little Questions

I think colds should be taken more seriously.

2007-04-26T09:21:00.000+01:00

Yeah, it's just a snotty nose and a headache, but you know what? This virus is trying to KILL me. My body is currently saving my life! However, if someone asked why I missed college, and I tell them that I have a cold, they'll think I'm a pansy.

But you know what, I'm DYING here! Dying! And no one cares but my immune system...

Why do people act like these stupid phrases are 'normal' things to say?

2007-04-23T16:36:00.000+01:00

"Looks like rain to me": Example of a stupid phrase. It actually looks like clouds.
"It's trying to rain": Example of a stupid phrase. It is either raining or it isn't.
"The sun's gone in": Example of a stupid phrase. It hasn't 'gone' anywhere.

And they're just about the weather... There are loads of stupid phrases about, but we all just act like they're completely normal and sane things to say.

How can a phone number be OUT OF ORDER?!

2007-04-19T14:58:00.000+01:00

Argh! I need to get a replacement birth certificate! Argh!

When people's tongues get stuck to something cold...

2007-04-17T16:35:00.000+01:00

... why do they pull it off really quickly, thus hurting themselves, instead of just waiting for it to melt?

Why is the game where if a contestant gets a question wrong, or doesn't score a point or whatever each time, called 'Sudden Death'?

2007-04-17T11:10:00.000+01:00

It conjures up images of someone just being smited by Zeus... a tad over-dramatic, don't you think?

Got a cold? That'll be £20 please!

2007-04-16T16:35:00.000+01:00

Isn't it funny that we have to pay for basic human rights, like health?

I mean, sure the NHS is free over here (most of the time), but I know in other countries it isn't. And we pay for things like painkillers over the counter and stuff. Surely if our health is a human right, we shouldn't need to feel like we can't afford it...

Also, WHY DO I PAY TAX ON MY TAMPONS?!

If the Moon was made of cheese, would we be so interested in sending stuff up there to 'probe' it? And, would we eat it?

2007-04-10T17:30:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the crap post, I just thought I'd get myself into the habit of posting again.

Did drivers of public transport get a pay rise after the terrorist attacks?

2007-01-25T15:04:00.001Z

I don't think they deserve one, bastards. Their job is just as dangerous as it was before.

Why don't we eat sheep?

2007-01-25T14:44:00.000Z

Seriously. Think about it. We eat lamb and we eat mutton (when the sheep dies naturally), but we don't kill sheep to eat them. Why?!

We eat most other animals, even if they give us other products (like cows give milk/leather, chickens give eggs etc), but we don't eat sheep!

"We're back, just like we said we'd be back..."

2007-01-25T14:43:00.000Z

Pah. I hate it when people refer to themselves as 'we', it's so pretentious. Anyway, exams are over, I get the results in March, so just now I have coursework and stuff... Which isn't so bad.

So yay anyway.

How do you become a Horoscopist?

2007-01-14T12:41:00.000Z

"Your desires are problematic today, for they don't support your long-term goals. You may be tempted to just disregard your illogical emotions and go ahead with your plans. But it's not that simple. You might not be able to talk yourself out of what you want. Give yourself a few days in order to make your decision."

-- By Rick Levine.

It's not like little children wake up and go "Yeeeah! I want to write horoscopes when I grow up!!" it doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "Yeeeeah! I want to be an astronaut!!"

What would they draw in school when asked what they want to be? Little tiny thumbnails of rams, scales, fish etc?

At some point in his life Rick Levine thought, "you know what? It's time for a career change. I'm sick of being an accountant-- I know! I'll write people's horoscopes!" Can you take a qualification for that, or is it just 'word of mouth' stuff about your legitimacy?

Also, I think my Horoscope today it telling me that I'm going to get married. In 2 hours.

Why are kiwis furry?

2007-01-14T11:07:00.000Z

No matter how strokeable they are, they will never make good pets.

Wouldn't it be cool if...

2007-01-11T21:06:00.000Z

... Water glowed in the dark?

How pretty would rain be?

Stupid adjective of the week:

2007-01-11T13:50:00.001Z

On the front of a bottle of soap I saw, to my bemusement, the phrase;

"Hygenically clean"

As opposed to what?

Clean, but not hygenic? Nice one.

Also, it boosted my confidence about the state of the NHS a whooole lot *rolls eyes*.

I had a picture of it, but it's even worse than the last one, so I won't bother.

How many times have you been to the dentist and thought "hmm, you know I jcould just go for a shower right now"?

2007-01-11T13:47:00.000Z

Apparently someone did. That picture didn't come out very well... but that's a shower. At my dentist surgery...

Also, all my dentist things are free, America. Muahaha.

Hahaha, that picture really is awful.

I know of chivalry, and I know you can be chivalrous, but can you be a Chival?

2007-01-08T20:51:00.000Z

Why does water that comes from the bathroom taps taste different to water that comes from kitchen taps?

2007-01-07T21:10:00.001Z

You know it does.

Why do you remember useless stuff, but forget what you really need to know?

2007-01-07T09:55:00.000Z

You'll forget where your keys are, where the remote is, what you wanted when you went shopping... But remember how much change you've got in your wallet, random lines from films and... well, other random stuff.

For example, I remember that the Labour Party's 1983 election manifesto was deemed 'the longest suicide note in history', but try getting me to remember Phillip Bobbit's six modalities that a Justice can use to judge a case and I'm lost. Bah.

Stupid brain.

Shakespeare of the day:
Well, heaven forgive him, and forgive us all.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall,
Some run from breaks of ice and answer none,
And some condemed for a fault alone.

From Measure For Measure, Escalus in Act 2, Scene 1.

Star-cross'd cultures...

2007-01-06T17:46:00.000Z

I think I experienced what trying to converse with someone who speaks another language was like today.

Firstly, today I went into one of the posh Oxfam shops and found some amaaazing classic literature books. All leather-bound and old-looking. They had a whole selection of Dickens, but even though I don't like him too much, it seemed such a shame to waste them (especially for 99p BOGOF!) that I had to buy a couple for my friend who does. I also bought Shakespeare's Tragedies (I have them all anyway, it's just a nicer copy... It'll look good on my shelf), H.G Wells 'The Time Machine' and Percy Shelly & Hopkins poetry. All for £2.98 (US Translation: $50000).

On the train home I was reading Shelley's 'to the Skylark', or rather, rereading it, because I didn't quite understand it the first time round, but it sounded pretty. And some MORON with an mp3 player on their phone started playing 'Fergalicious'(?) and some other stupid rap songs. I swear I didn't understand half the words that were said, and it just distracted me from reading the poetry. One of the best poets in history, a GENIUS and perfect lyricist. I felt slightly blasphemist and guilty that my generation formed such stupid music. Argh.

Talk about mixed cultures.

I apologise for the Shakespeare references recently, I have been reading quite a lot of it. Even though reading a play is a bit like reading music, it doesn't really make sense until it's actually played, I still like the language and stuff. I wish I could go to the theatre more often.

Oh, exams, exams, wherefore art thou closed book?

2007-01-02T20:50:00.000Z

I shan't be online much for the next 2-3 weeks because I have horrid exams coming up and need to revise.

But, Sir, I thought that was illegal?

2007-01-01T16:28:00.000Z

"Remarriages increased from 57,000 in 1961 (14% of all marriages) to 126,000 in 2000 (41% of all marriages. Most remarriages involve divorced persons rather than widows and widowers. The largest increase occurred between 1971 and 1972 following the introduction of the Divorce Reform Act of 1969."

Huh? Widows and 'widowers'? Surely 'widowers' referrs to those that made someone a widow, which would be... someone dead, right? That's how the process of becoming a widow usually works, anyway.

So it's rather blatent that someone who is divorced is more likely to get remarried than someone who is... dead...

*baffled.*

Oxymoron of 2006:

2007-01-01T14:21:00.001Z

"Nice guy."

A stroke of genius?

2006-12-31T20:38:00.000Z

Bethia: you know what's really cool? The way the light in the fridge comes on when you open the door
Bethia: but it goes off when you close it
Bethia: that was a stroke of genious
Jason: LOL
Jason: yes, it was in fact.
Jason: but what if the mechanism breaks?
Bethia: OMG.
Jason: what if when you close the door it's not really turning the light off?
Jason: you wouldn't be able to tell.
Bethia: the world would end!
Jason: LOL yes!
Jason: everybody would just run out of energy.
Jason: due to the hidden lit fridge bulbs.
Bethia: do the lights in fridges have Trade Unions?

Think about it. I mean, really think about it.

Wasn't it just pure genius? Where would you be without it? You spill milk in the fridge. Oops! Can't clean it up, there's no light! Can't find the ham? Tough! There's no light. Something gone mouldy? Can't tell! No light!

Obviously the real question here is whether the light in the oven was invented before the fridge light, or the other way around. Whichever came first, it obviously paved the way for the other kitchen appliances. I mean, would microwaves really have 'caught on' if it hadn't been for the fact that you can see the food turning around inside? No light, no turning.

Without those lights, there would be chaos!

And now for the history (be careful, I researched this REALLY well!).

The refridgerator was invented in 1876, and the first light bulb... around that time. If you search for the date that the bulb was invented, you get a really stupid answer, but it was around that time. So I figure, if it was just being patented at that time, Carl Paul Gottfried von Linde wouldn't have had one in his garage or wherever he invented the fridge... That makes me feel that someone, once owning Their First Refridgerator thought "Oh my, wouldn't it be simply delightful to have a light in this fridge!"

Either that or the inventor of the light bulb thought, "aha! if I could make sure that every one of THOSE had one of THESE, I'd sell millions!" Which is unlikely, I think he'd be more worried about partying like it was 1999 after getting that patent, or whatever science geeks do to celebrate.

Based on this evidence, I think the inventor should be given a Nobel Prize. I thought about emailing them (I even wrote out the email) but then I found on the comments page:

FREE comments you say? FREE? Are there more expensive ones you can get? First Class opinions? Tut. I'm not writing to them, those fascist bastards!

... And then I got completely bored with the idea and gave up.

My (free and therefore unworthy) opinion still stands. If anyone else wants to tell them, please do so <3.

Pointless Drivel and Great Art: A Match Made in Heaven (A Pre-Raephelite Special)

2006-12-31T19:30:00.000Z

The last one isn't so clear, but it reads "Mr Fab was jealous of this man's penis and hareem"

2006-12-29T21:12:00.000Z

Okay, so Mr Fab 'tagged' me (for which I shall never, ever, ever forgive him)... I take it this isn't like what we used to play in the playground, where I now have to run around, get out of breath, then give up because everyone else was faster...

In his words, "I am supposed to reveal five things about me that none of you know".

1. I'm not a very fast runner and it doesn't take too long for me to give up.

2. When I get angry I practice Karate and pretend to aim at the person/people that annoyed me.

3. I'm still amazed by the little light in the fridge... Did I make a post on that? I cna't remember...

4. I'm really glad that I only have one more of these to write.

5. I’m worried about why Mr Fab wanted to know 5 secrets about me... STALKER!... Or maybe he's worried about me running away with his wife, and wants to find out my weaknesses ;).

Can we tag-back? If we can, I tag Mr Fab back... Muahahaha. Also, I tag MC and Maven.

Have you ever noticed that there is only one accent in Russia?

2006-12-26T11:01:00.000Z

I've never been to Russia, but I used to learn Russian in one of my shcools, and he was from the country, as well as a few people in my school that were from there. They all spoke the same way.

Also, if you see a film where the terrorists are Russian, you'll notice that they all have a singular Russian accent.

Now, if you compare that to any other country, even one so small as England, that's really weird. Every region has a different accent here, just like every state in America has a different accent, and there is a definitive difference between the North and the South.

Russian is HUGE. Why do they only have one accent?!

Who was the first person to stick Christmas and New Years together?

2006-12-25T21:29:00.000Z

It wasn't God's marketing department, that's for sure. Imagine how much money could be made from separate Christmas/New Year's cards...

Oh, and I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year.

Where did the 'kiss under the mistletoe' rule start?

2006-12-24T19:31:00.000Z

This just made me think of it:

Shamelessly stolen from Savage Chickens, a webcomic about chickens that are drawn on post-it notes. It's very funny, everyone should go read it :).

2006-12-24T19:18:00.000Z

How come your breath always smells/tastes really horrid when you wake up in the morning (especially if you wake up with someone you're going to kiss) but it doesn't smell if you don't go to sleep?

The best way to cure boredom.

2006-12-22T14:36:00.000Z

On the release of the new Harry Potter title (Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows, apparently) my friend and I were bashing about other possibilities.

Harry Potter and Hermione's Deathly Gallows

Harry Potter and the Fallopian Tube

Harry Potter and the Ghetto Mofos

Harry Potter and the Pubic Wig

Harry Potter and the Three Wise Men: An X-rated film (US Translation: 'movie')

Harry Potter Hits Puberty: A Revelation

Harry Potter Knows What You Did Last Summer

(and the sequel...) Harry Potter Still Knows What You Did Last Summer

Harry Potter and the pre-op Transexual

(better known as) Harry Potter and Hermione's Well-Kept Secret

Harry Potter and the Teenage Pregnancy Scare

Harry Potter and the Genital Warts

Harry Potter and the Nice Man Who Promised Sweeties

(and the sequel...) Harry Potter Returns Gary Glitter's Castle

Harry Potter and the Wonders of Neverland

Harry Potter and the Malaysian Prostitute with VD

Harry Potter and the Rash That Wouldn't Go Away

Is there a knack to spreading jam (US Translation: 'jelly') onto bagels?

2006-12-22T12:34:00.000Z

If there is, I don't have it. It just falls through the hooole!

Also, whose idea was it to put a hole through the middle of some perfectly good bread? It was a stupid idea. Also, doughnuts (US Translation: 'donuts') shouldn't have holes in. I've come to notice recently that our nice, British doughnuts (US Translation: 'donuts') have been replaced with those American (US Translation: 'The only people that matter! Wooo! Go, go Freedom Fries! Yay for the stars & stripes!') ones with a hole in and icing on the top.

Stupid Americans (US Translation: 'The only people that matter! Wooo! Go, go Freedom Fries! Yay for the stars & stripes!').

Love thy neighbour.

2006-12-21T17:40:00.000Z

Okay, so my neighbour, Neil, did the most evil thing to me today. I saw him outside getting into his car so I went out, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Being as you're in your caranyway, do you fancy giving me a lift to the bottom shop?
Him: Sure, just get in
Me: *gets in, commences random talk*
Him [a few minutes later, when we're half way to the shop]: You're going to be freezing walking back
Me: Hahahaha, good joke.
Him: No, really, you're going to be freezing.
Me: ... What...?
Him: I'd bring you back, but I'm a bit pushed for time, I need to go to Manchester and I've got a bank appointment, I really don't have time.
Me: ... What...?
Him: I'm really sorry, I would usually
Me: ... You're mean.

It was cold :(.

What's cooler than a box of crayons?

2006-12-19T11:32:00.000Z

LOTS OF THINGS, YOU STUPID BETA VERSION.

THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS THAT ARE COOLER THAN A BOX OF CRAYONS, BUT ONE OF THEM ISN'T CUSTOMISING MY BLOG WITH LAYOUTS.

For Beta's information, things that are cooler than a box of crayons include;

Presents / the Lord being born / all that Christmas stuff
Hanner Le Camel
Sex with Justin Timberlake
The fact that Hanner will adore me for putting her above JT <3
Jam sandwiches
Double-sided sticky tape
Shakespeare
My new love of the pantomine!

These are just a few examples, you see. But Beta was wrong. Crayons are way cooler than the stupid beta idea.

Why is Justin Timberlake so fucking hot?!

2006-12-19T11:27:00.000Z

Oh. My. Lord. There is a T4 special on him and I *swear* I got all tingly-like when he came on stage.

Get a life, Bethia.

Why do I feel the need to apologise for my age?

2006-12-18T13:31:00.000Z

Woman [patronising, even doing that bending-forward-slightly thing, just to let you know that you're younger and therefore more inferior to her]: Are you over 18, ducky?
Me [slightly confused at being spoken to when on my way to Wilkinsons to buy chocolate oranges and candles]: Erm, no, sorry...
Woman [eyeing up next victim]: Alright, lovie.

I always do that. 'No, I'm not 18, you can't sell me your insurance/healthcare/double-glazed-windows, I'm so terribly sorry...'

I have decided that being under 18 is a GOOD thing BECAUSE you can't sell me your useless crap.

Oh, one time I didn't apologise for my age was on the train on Friday. This guy (age approx. 38) looked my up and down (I was looking STUNNING, I do admit) and asked me how old I was. I looked at him and retorted, "If you have to ask, you shouldn't be thinking about it."

One up to me.

Surely if he's that small, he doesn't need the lubricant?

2006-12-09T14:19:00.000Z

... Or have I got this completely wrong?

The difference between Chesterfield and Oxford...

2006-12-09T14:01:00.000Z

(Or rather, the difference between Oxford and the rest of the world...)

Oxford:

Chesterfield:

If you had a flange, and it could talk, what would it say?

2006-12-08T16:24:00.000Z

If people do get reincarnated by God, is it possible to be typecast as a really unfortunate person?

2006-12-08T16:22:00.000Z

Kind of like Hugh Grant in girl films, except in real life...

Reading at the Speed of Light.

2006-12-08T11:44:00.000Z

"You cannot wake her, for we are talking in space, not time."

Seriously, I need to get a life...

2006-11-30T20:00:00.000Z

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive {NFS won't count, would it?}
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight {and also learn't the hard way that hailstone balls ain't snowballs}
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of the moon.
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run (Bethias don't run...)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Okay, now if you read all that you need to get out more... and I need to get out more because I've done hardly any of those things.

If you're wondering about the bulk posting, I don't come online everyday so these are all the things I've thought of since Monday...

Lacking in Common Sense, perhaps?

2006-11-30T19:51:00.000Z

My friends are so VERY intelligent, but sometimes they seem to lack basic common sense ("Can rivers flow North?", "Spermicide? Isn't that what you put on crops?" etc...) but I think today topped it...

Me: I don't have my phone on me, so I can't call you to see where you are... I'll meet you in Peacocks [the coffee place] at 1?
Han & Ash: Yeah, okay.

*a while later*

Ash: We're going to be late, but we can't call Beth...
Han: Text her instead!
Ash: Okay!

*sends text 'We're Primarking just up the road'*

Me (also turning up 15 minutes late): Heya
Han: We sent a text to tell you that we were going to be late, but then remembered that not having your phone means you can't recieve texts, either.....

<3<3<3<3 My friends! :D

... Subsequently followed by 'Philosophy at its best'...

2006-11-30T19:25:00.000Z

I was talking to my careers advisor yesterday about my interview, and she showed me a past exam paper from Philosophy & Modern Languages courses, which was as close to my course (Philosophy, Politics and Economics) as she could get.

One of the questions was asking about counterexamples and formulating arguments etc, and a statement given was:

A square has more sides than a triangle.
So a square triangle has more sides than itself.

Hmm.

Fashion at its best?

2006-11-30T19:20:00.000Z

Unashamedly stolen from the wonderful blog of ThoughtNuggets. (Here for direct link to that post...)

Isn't it ironic that in an emergency on a bus you have to break some glass to get a hammer to break the glass?

2006-11-30T17:20:00.000Z

It just struck me on the way home on Tuesday :).

<3<3<3

2006-11-30T17:02:00.000Z

<3<3 My Captain

Why build the top before the bottom?

2006-11-27T20:35:00.000Z

As you can see, the top half is finished, yet the bottom half is still breezeblocks...

In the background there is another one of Derbyshire's exceptional buildings... the Crooked Spire. So called because they tried to build a church, but the spire got bent somewhere along the process...

No one knows why, either :).

A classic example of how things are done differently Up Norff. :P

(Coincidentally, this is post 100. Go me!)

How sticky is your sticky toffee pudding?

2006-11-27T11:21:00.000Z

"... But a former BBC colleague of mine was offered a truly tough poser the other day. She has quit the Beeb and with her twin sister fulfilled their ambition of opening a tea room in the Norfolk village of Wells-next-the-Sea. It is called Bean2theCoast. and I'm told it's very good. On their first day a woman came in and demanded, "just how sticky is your sticky-toffee pudding?"
What possible answer could there be? I suppose you could try cod science, claiming "it has been rated at 8.9 on the Hohenburg-Lipfzer scale of stickiness". Or you could just hold up a twig and shout: "Look! this is a stick! Well, I'd have you know that our pudding is much stickier than this!""

Scooped from Simon Hoggart's column.

Justice?

2006-11-25T21:31:00.000Z

[Scooped from here]

How does one get jailed for "nearly 700 years" and then get out after three, then have the cheek to try and blow up the Northern Ireland Assembly?

I just love how our Courts system will actually sentence someone for 700 years. Where the fuck did that come from?

How does James Bond survive?

2006-11-25T11:45:00.000Z

I've never met someone that doesn't like James Bond films, although I have met someone that has never seen one...

But how come it can still go on even though the main actor changes periodically? Think about it. Are there any other sequels that are good, even though the actors have changed?

Would you have liked the second & third Lord of the Rings films if Frodo wasn't played by Elajah Wood, or if Pierce Brosnan suddenly played Aragorn?

No.

So how come JB is that good? What is it about that film that can make it stay *so* good even when he is played by so many different people?

---

By the way, the new JB is AMAZING. Other than the fact he fell in love, that was perhaps the down point, but at least he got (kind of) betrayed...

Two things that annoyed me: The fact that I thought it was going to end about 4 times before it actually did.

The stupid Americanisms in the script. I'm glad they got British actors, but making them say "bloody" in an English accent doesn't make for a good English script. English people don't pick up their "cell phones." We pick up our mobiles. That's one example, I can't think of the other things now, but it was really irritating.

Argh. In future, Mr American Film Company, if you want an English script, get an English script writer, or at least get it proof read by one.

Why do chavs congregate around McDondalds and bus stops?

2006-11-25T11:43:00.000Z

There are far better places to stand...

My friend Gemmypoops was saying how you don't want to stand at the bus stop near them, lest passers-by think that you're actually associated with them.

I got an interview at Oxford University!!

2006-11-25T09:21:00.000Z

How do you get in touch with a woman who is complacent to a man vomiting on her?

2006-11-19T21:54:00.000Z

Jason: and now just when i thought i'd seen everything, there is now a show on where the dude has a fantasy of throwing up on women and is cheating on his girlf with a girl that doesn't mind him doing that and he has just thrown up on her live on the stage.
Jason: and they're sitting in a puddle of vomit.
Bethia: LOL
Bethia: how did he get in touch with such a woman?
Bethia: a personal ad in a newspaper?
Bethia: "Male, 24, WLTM woman who wouldn't mind me vomiting on her, GSOH, likes long walks on the beach"

MicroSoft > The Word of God?

2006-11-19T11:44:00.000Z

I'm writing an essay (Assess the view that religion is used to oppress women) but everytime I try to quote the Bible my computer restarts. Conspiracy, anyone? ;)

OMFUX0RSEXHOWGOODAREMUSE?!?!

2006-11-18T14:13:00.000Z

I went to Muse's (sell-out) tour at Nottingham Arena and it was by far the best gig IN THE WORLD.

Come to think of it, I can't be bothered to type it all out, but it was AMAZING. They put so much money into graphics and stuff. Wow. It was so cool. If anyone manages to get tickets, you should go. If not, BUY ALL THEIR ALBUMS AND GO NEXT TIME.

Teenagers having intelligent conversations?

2006-11-17T14:30:00.000Z

I was walking up to town from college today and overheard a group of people conversing over 'elections'. I was very impressed.

~~(Note: they may have said erections)~~

Is the Bible copyrighted?

2006-11-16T21:07:00.000Z

So, Tom, have you ever met the President of France?

2006-11-16T20:59:00.000Z

I went on a politics trip to De Montfort University yesterday, and it was actually surprisingly interesting (aside from watching the sun rise whilst on the bus to the train station...) as the two ex-Congressmen that were there, Tom Downey and Lou Frey were pretty funny.

One of the stories that Tom told was about when he met the President. He was pretty high up in the Democrat Party rankings and a 'personal friend' of Al Gore, and was Gore's debating partner leading up to the presidential candidate debates. Apparently they take those things pretty seriously over there, and being a debate partner means you have to dress, talk and act like the person that Gore would be debating and have mock-debates whilst being filmed in that character. So Tom has to be Bush for a while, and he prepares by watching *every* interview, reading *every* speech and has to mimic everything he'd say (a pretty easy task when you're pretending to be Bush...).

One day he was preparing when his secretary walks in saying that they've got post (or 'mail') and when he opened it it was all the notes from the Republican party debates, including two tapes. He put one tape into the video player and played it for a few seconds, when he looked at all the people in his office, stopped it and told everyone that they couldn't rewind it. He called the FBI, who took 5 hours to get there, and they took the tapes away and eventually found out that it was some bitter woman that had sent them over. After this, he had to stay away from Gore for the rest of the election campaign because obviously people wouldn't believe that he hadn't read the material.

However, in one of the debates someone asked Bush what he thought of Tom Downey and, surprisingly, he answered "Oh, sure! He's a great guy! If I ever met him I'd shake his hand!". 'Hah! I'll shake your hand when Gore is President and I'm Secretary of State,' thought Tom. Oops.

So it was about 5 years later at the Prague castle for a UN meeting that he eventually got to meet him. He wasn't in Congress anymore and was supporting another Democrat person there, and was standing with a big camera around his neck, looking like a 'smartly dressed American tourist'. The only people that were there were those two, the President and however many world leaders, as everyone else had been pushed away by Secret Service. He thought that this would be a good time to get that handshake, and so when he got eye contact, he introduced himself, expecting Bush to just go "... you're /who/??".

Tom: Mr President, I'm Tom Downey, I'd like to get that handshake you promised me.
Bush: Wow!! Tom Downey! *pulls him into a bear hug* Look everyone, this is Tom Downey, he's a really great guy!

... And continued introducing him to his wife etc, and briefly told the story about what had happened with the papers. Secret Service started moving the group into the Castle, and Tom thought he'd make the most of this meeting, and went to talk to the president. He said he was impressed with the time that he did running (only something that someone who had spent hours watching every interview with him would have known) and Bush started talking about how much he can benchpress and they were having a good chat etc, when Jacques Chirac tries to stick his head in the middle of them to get in on the conversation, completely ignored by Bush. Bush's advisors were like "I think you should talk to Chirac..." so he stopped, turned around and said

Bush: So, Tom, have you ever met the President of France?

Tom: No, Sir, I don't believe I have.
Bush: Tom, this is Jacques Chirac, President of France; Jacques, this is Tom Downey... a close friend of mine.

... Then put his arm around Tom, completely blocking Chirac out and continued talking about exercise machines with him.

It was excellent.

In Scotland, how do you know which public toilet to go into...

2006-11-14T18:38:00.000Z

... because surely in the gender icons, they're both wearing skirts?

Why do I feel like the PM shouldn't have been there...?

2006-11-12T16:36:00.000Z

I watched about half an hour of the Remembrance Sunday ceremony on television last night, and some of the speakers were saying prayers for the PM and rest of the government, which I found a bit offensive.

It's awkward to hold ceremonies like that when we are in active war at the time, with soldiers that are dying everyday, or whatever the current stat is. But to make things worse, the OhSoChristian Mr Blair was sat there with his poppy, (hehehehe, I just wrote 'poopy' by accident) seemingly not taking any responsibility for the war that the People didn't want.

I just don't think he should have been there.

Things I Like...

2006-11-12T15:59:00.000Z

I realised recently that I hate a lot of things, including the fact that celebrities get more recognition than they deserve, and the fact that people actually care about these things. Grr. That makes me angry.

I mean... no it doesn't. I'm a nice person. Anyway... my list of things I like:

My friends' idiosyncracies
The things in my Box of Sentiment
The relationship between my mother and I...
... and the way that I'll never have that with anyone else :)
My religion (sorry everyone, I do actually believe that shit :( )
Photographs, the kind you can hold and touch and pass around, not the digital kind
The Age of Information
The people in my village, despite all their inbred faults
Walking in snow
Walking in rain
Beaches when the sand is hot and burns your toes :)
Beaches at dusk, with picnics
Just being held.
The fact that I can talk to my friends for hours, and never know what has actually been said
Hot emo boys <3<3<3<3<3<3
Reading hand written letters
Seeing my brother at Christmas
Seeing people happy at Christmas
Remembering happy times with old friends and wondering whether they remember the same thing
Things and people that are better left in the past
Wearing new underwear for the first time
Not having a busy schedule
Sleeping in late
Stars
My house
The ever-evolving English language
The freedom of the countryside
Going out and leaving my phone at home
Receiving an unexpected text that makes me smile
In-jokes

How did Edward Scissorhands put on his make up?

2006-11-11T15:45:00.000Z

10 Ways To Know You're Emo

2006-11-11T13:08:00.000Z

1. You want to marry Tim Burton.

2. You try to hide as much of your face behind your hair.

3. It's not that you only like the colour black, it's just... all the best clothes come in that colour!

4. You hate songs where the lyrics don't "mean something".

5. You may be married to Tim Burton, but Johnny Depp is having your babies.

6. You're not gay, you just like kissing other boys, I mean -- who doesn't?!

7. All your friends have the same hair style as you.

8. You know the lyrics to all the songs in 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'.

9. Writing poems is the only way you have to truly 'express yourself'.

10. Beth follows you round and wants your babies, ogm.

Why do people use hands-free kits when their hands are perfectly free already?

2006-11-10T20:25:00.000Z

I saw this on the bus today, whilst having a trip-down-memory-lane with a guy I hadn't seen for over a year. A guy sat next to me on the back seat (because I'm a dirty rebel like that) kept using his hands-free kit... even though he was sat down on a bus just staring absent-mindly out of the window. ARGH!

YOUR STUPID TOYS DO NOT MAKE YOU LOOK 'COOL' WHEN YOU'RE USING THEM UNNECESSARILY!

They only look good when you're walking down the street multi-tasking. Like business people in films. They are the only people that can use hands free kits. Everyone else just sucks.

What do you do when the fire alarm goes off, but you're in the shower?

2006-11-09T17:19:00.000Z

Thankfully, this has never happened to me, but it's troubled me for at least 3 years. With my fear of nakedness and exposure, I don't know what to do. Obviously, the sensible thing is to get out straight away, wrap a towel round you and, if you have time, grab some clothes to put on after you've escaped the building.

I could never leave the house without any clothes on already, I'd have to wait and put clothes on whilst still in the house. And quickly, too, because I wouldn't want a fireman/woman/person/PC Term, to come in whilst I was still half-dressed...

Damn you, hygiene! You're so inconvenient!

[Edit: Fires are perhaps the more inconvient thing of the two...]

What do you do when the phone rings, but you're on the toilet?

2006-11-09T17:18:00.000Z

I hate fireworks.

2006-11-05T18:03:00.001Z

And car alarms.

2006-11-05T18:03:00.000Z

My favourite thing:

2006-11-05T17:59:00.000Z

Using the word 'again' inappropriately.

Me: You will tell me when dinner is ready, won't you?
Mummy: Of course...
Me: And you won't put it outside in the rain again?

--

Me: I'll wee on your bed again!

--

I especially like when it's said in public, and the other mothers look very confused and worried for me.

What is the purpose of a yawn?

2006-11-05T17:24:00.000Z

... other than giving away that you're really bored in class...

Censorship for the win?

2006-10-31T09:55:00.000Z

I was recently researching a ~~dirty, fat lesbian~~ feminist for Gender Studies, and one of the pages about her was blocked by the college firewall for containing, and I quote, "Politics, Opinion and Religion."

It was weird. I started researching at a college in the freedom-of-speech UK, but ended up in China :/.

Things That Are Just Wrong.

2006-10-29T09:53:00.000Z

Heterosexual couples where the female is bigger/fatter/taller than the male.

The fact that whenever I mop, I mop either myself or the bucket into a corner.

The fact that, of the previous statement, it's usually the former that happens :(.

How slow can you waterski?

2006-10-22T14:31:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately, they put the best question on the cover of the book. The others inside were dull.

Which came first, Ariel the washing powder or Ariel the mermaid?

2006-10-15T14:14:00.000+01:00

What is it with people and "Just In Case"?

2006-10-14T15:19:00.000+01:00

Bring a spare pair of underwear, just in case.

Always bring an umbrella, just in case.

Save that work twice, just in case.

Check that the eggs aren't broken, just in case.

I've never had to use my 'spare pair', or have it rain when I've brought an umbrella, or had work lost because the first time the save button didn't work, or picked up a box of eggs that had a broken one in! Argh! It drives me insane!

How much money would you spend on a pet?

2006-10-13T16:16:00.000+01:00

I ask this because I was standing at the bus stop and (unfortunately) I was listening to someone's conversation about how her dog had to have an operation and it cost her, wait for it, £900! And it might come out with brain damage anyway. £900!!

I wouldn't pay that. I'd rather have it put down and buy a new one!

Jeez. Is it just me that isn't insane?

What do you think of when you think "Flange Plunger?"

2006-10-11T16:12:00.000+01:00

(Picture to be added later, it's not working right now.)

2006-10-11T16:04:00.000+01:00

Who was it that woke up one morning and thought "Wow, it'd be really great if I could tie some elastic round my waist and jump off a bridge, cliff, building, or something else really high"

And also... why did people take him/her seriously??

Humans as a collective are rather insane.

Is the guy from Simon & Garfunkel really called 'Garfunkel'?

2006-10-07T21:51:00.000+01:00

If so, that's really unfortunate.

How do you reply to "I'm going to a funeral tomorrow morning"?

2006-10-07T15:25:00.000+01:00

Seriously. Someone said this to me and throughout the long, awkward silence I dismissed answers such as "really? How did they die?" and "It happens to the best of us."

... it was long, it was awkward, and I reeeally hope it doesn't happen again.

When did 'Sexy' become a proper noun?

2006-10-01T16:12:00.000+01:00

sex·y (sks)

adj. sex·i·er, sex·i·est

1. Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest.

2. Slang Highly appealing or interesting; attractive: "The recruiting brochures are getting sexier" Jack R. Wentworth.

Seriously... I don't mind being described as 'sexy', but being called 'Sexy' is different.

Why do we seem to think that the Earth will crumble if it rains on our washing?

2006-10-01T13:37:00.000+01:00

Imagine the picture: Me, wearing a knee-length, black, floaty skirt, a red vest top and big slipper socks to keep my feet warm (sexy, I know). I'm writing an essay on the power of the US President, and I casually look over to the window, and notice it's raining. Suddenly a rush of urgency comes over me-- Did mum bring the washing in?!?! I haphazardly click ctrl+s and rush downstairs, look out of the back door and see-- Oh no! It's raining ON THE WASHING!!!! "Shit!", thought I! I pushed my feet into my (new) boots, socks visible over the top of them, put on my thick winter jacket and ran out into the garden. Should I start at the far-end of the line with the towels, or the near-end with the underwear? I collected it all in, dropping pegs and socks along the way, skirt flying about in the wind and revealing what probably shouldn't be revealed, but that doesn't matter, speed is of the esscence! As quickly as possible, I shoved it into the basket in the kitchen.

Safe and dry.

Who was the first person to put carpet on the roof of a coach/bus?

2006-10-01T13:36:00.000+01:00

Why do girls spit?

2006-09-27T19:52:00.000+01:00

It's disgusting. I know that the girls near where I live talk, walk and act like men, but there has to be a boundary somewhere, assuming they haven't grown a penis due to their inbred nature.

I know it's sexist to only ask why girls do it, and on men it's disgusting too, but there comes a point when you have to be proud of being feminine. Stop spitting! It's gross and it is quite possibly the least sexy thing in the world.

Spot anything wrong here?

2006-09-17T14:35:00.000+01:00

I bought some Crest toothpaste, and apparently it helps the "5 signs of healthy teeth."

These 'five signs of healthy teeth' are listed as;

Cavities
Healthy gums
Tartar
Whiteness
Fresh breath

Spot anything wrong with numbers 1 and 3?

Why do cats drink from toilet bowls?

2006-09-17T14:33:00.000+01:00

Why do people still use the word 'nice'?

2006-09-16T21:13:00.000+01:00

It doesn't mean anything.

I swear I will throw a thesaurus at the next person who says something along the lines of; "It was nice to see you," or "Your hair looks nice." No. It means nothing! Use a better word!

How do they put the garlic stuff in chicken kievs?

2006-09-13T19:47:00.000+01:00

Why Does The Sky Lie?

2006-09-12T19:18:00.000+01:00

A poem created by myself and two people in my English class.

Blue daytime sky
surrounding a crescent moon so high
I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with 'why'?
Why does the sky lie?

What happened to the Sun?
maybe it was shot by a gun
I bet that wasn't much fun
if it landed on you it would weigh a tonne
and probably puncture a lung

I think I see a storm brewing
maybe that is where the Sun is hiding,
being struck by lightning.
It looks very frightening,
and perhaps a little exciting.

--

Fear the poetical genius.

Why Do I...

2006-09-11T21:52:00.000+01:00

... always seem to get involved with people I don't really like, but stay away from those that I do?

It's a pretty bad habit.

Why Is It That...

2006-09-11T21:49:00.000+01:00

... what we really, really desire is the one thing we can't have?

This is SO FREAKISHLY ANNOYING.

Do birds think "Wow, I wish I could walk like that on the ground..."?

2006-09-11T21:43:00.000+01:00

I've always wondered this.

I remember when I was a kid someone said "Wow, wouldn't it be cool to fly like that bird?", and pointed to some black dot in the sky, which was probably a plane anyway. But more interesting even than that, my reply was "Well, I guess, but the birds are probably thinking 'Wow, I wish I could run like that kid there!'".

It's true, no?

Why do feminists have such a negative label?

2006-09-11T21:39:00.000+01:00

Yes, they ugly, yes they have saggy breasts, AND they're lesbians, but I know I'm really glad that they exist. I like being able to go to university and get a job. And hopefully get paid as much as all the incompetant men out there.

I'm probably the worst for negatively labelling them... but what brought it on?! It's odd, because I do respect (most of) them.

Why does there always have to be someone 'worse off' than you?

2006-09-11T21:32:00.000+01:00

I don't know about anyone else, but I hate when you explain a problem you have to someone and they reply "Well, it's not so bad, I mean, just think of those poor, starving children in Africa!"

No. I don't CARE about the children in Africa, no matter how poor or starving they are. In fact, do they have it so hard?? I mean, they have no food, that's awful, but I bet when someone complains about it, someone replies "Yeah, kid, but think about all those sexually assaulted women in the UK!" or "Just remember all those people that lost loved ones because some dick flew a plane into a tall building!" or "Yes, but at least you don't have to listen to 'elevator music'!".

And the kid will still be starving. And poor.

So next time you get the urge to pull the 'Africa' card on someone, stop. Just stop.

Why did/do we keep cooking with onions even though they make us cry when we cut them?!

2006-09-11T20:24:00.000+01:00

Does Bob Geldoff Have HIV??

2006-09-10T17:45:00.000+01:00

Seriously. He must have slept with at least ONE of those Africans.

How did Tony Blair manage to self-destruct so magnificently?

2006-09-10T13:01:00.000+01:00

Even the Tories knew that they couldn't defeat The Blairmeister:

Two days before David Cameron was elected Conservative leader, I asked one of his closest allies what the founding principle of Cameronism would be. He pondered the question. Would it, I wondered, be something to do with quality of life, the public services, the environment, social justice, nationhood? ‘Our starting point,’ he finally replied, ‘is that the Tory party can never beat Tony Blair.’

This First Law of Cameronism, he explained, had an important subclause: Blair himself could beat Blair, by contaminating his own brand to the point where he could no longer plausibly hold office.

(as filched from The Spectator)

Blair is not stupid, despite seemingly popular opinion. Nor is he as egotistical as his legendary view of himself makes out, either.

He must have seen his downfall coming a mile off, so why didn't he do something about it? Silly man.

In a world where homosexuality is still taboo, why do we teach children the rhyme "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub"?

2006-09-08T12:22:00.000+01:00

Why Do Mattresses...

2006-09-07T10:10:00.000+01:00

... have patterns on them? They're always covered with sheets anyway :/

Why Doesn't The Body...

2006-09-04T13:48:00.000+01:00

... have an ingenious way of getting rid of the crap in belly buttons? At the minute it just sits there and gets smelly. Evolution has failed us!